[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
Okay, I've decided it's not safe here.
All this rock dust is a health hazard.
I'm definitely not taking a nap here.
At least I don't think that's natural gas
leaking in here. It doesn't smell like it.
Hey, maybe it's ether! Mmm!
Oh, this is helpful. That's very
considerate of the rock
[plane whine, explosions]
not to completely crush the exit.
The bombings are less helpful.
RADIO: Forget about Freeman!
Wuahh...!
RADIO: We are cutting our
losses and pulling out!
RADIO: Anyone left down there
now is on his own!
RADIO: Repeat: If you weren't
already, you're now--
[explosion]
Hey, did you hear that?
They said, "Forget about Freeman."
Hey, I wonder if I can delete
myself as an employee.
Probably not, but... no... This isn't--
That guard has no idea how lucky he is.
Well, he was bright enough to start
shooting at it, I'll give him that.
He's probably seen what these things do.
Although, I have to say, I think this is
just a taste of what the future holds.
Like, right now, if you walk in
the parking lot of Walmart,
there are dozens of surveillance
cameras watching you.
I think in, maybe 50 years, there will
also be roof-mounted turret guns
in order to gun down shoplifters.
Okay, Stumpy, you're my new bodyguard.
GUARD: Roger that, let's run like hell!
Well, see, that was my first impulse, too,
but I would advise against
being a track star around here,
what with all the lasers and
mines and death--
Hey, I don't know how much
ammo you're carrying,
but you can fire more shots than that.
Those guys will crush our heads like
grapes if we don't take them down.
Your helmet's not going to stop them.
It's giving you a false sense of security.
I mean, look at this! Do you see this?
Okay, try to keep up, alright?
GUARD: Hey!
Shit... not this way...
...the other way... with the... no, bees...
[plane whines]
...less bees...
[explosions]
...oh, more bombing! YES!
See, chess doesn't prepare you for this.
You can't say that a rook and
three pawns flanked your knight,
but he laid down suppressing fire
and punched through them anyway.
You get disqualified if you try that.
Maybe I've been disqualified from reality.
It's too easy to just explain
all this away as aliens.
It's aliens AND teleportation,
and a conspiracy against me,
and now these cosmic disco balls.
And I'm still hungry, dammit!
Why don't the soldiers
carry any MREs on them?
Alright, well,
mission accomplished, assholes,
you make me not want to go this way.
Well, at best, this shit is harmless
like shed skin or something,
at worst, I'm dead already
because of alien pathogens.
Although, I'm going to bet
on "safe" because I'm guessing
our DNA is so different, the alien
viruses haven't had enough time
to figure out what the hell
they're dealing with yet.
Well, this is the only way.
[snarks chirping]
No... NO...!
I wouldn't make a very good babysitter.
I mean, my first impulse towards
seeing a bunch of kids run around
is to throw things at them.
I mean, not lethal or anything.
God, how many of these things are there?
So these are egg sac light shows.
You know what? I'm me.
Let's be smart about this.
But yeah, wouldn't all these flashing
lights just attract predators?
This seems like an evolutionary liability.
Okay, so what I'm seeing is NOT real.
Either that or I've been tricked and these
are actually just very elaborate fireworks.
And this thing is floating in
mid-air. That just now hit me.
Let's be certain about this.
[explosion, snarks chirping]
Alright, so this IS real.
Hey, what happened to that security guard
who was supposed to have my back?
He's probably just screwing around...
Well, I'm not going back for him.
He was firing so slowly you'd think he
was loading black powder into the gun barrel
Maybe he reenacts battles--
Why do I feel like
I'm fighting a dump truck?
A howling dump truck full of... bees.
It's all that armor they're
wearing, but it's weird
because it shows off their obvious alien
pectoral muscles. That's not practical.
That's the kind of armor a
male stripper would wear.
Are we being invaded by strippers?
I assumed this invasion was the
normal conquering variety,
but maybe it has a
strange kinky alien context.
[explosion, snarks chirp]
Yay! I win the nightmare piñata!
These things shouldn't be out in the wild!
We need to round them up for ring fights
like any civilized society would!
You start with small animals...
...then steadily increase the
odds for bet payouts!
They seem to combust quickly, though.
They must be reacting to
something in our atmosphere.
That's all I have to say about that.
I hope there's something
valuable down here,
[plane whine]
but what the aliens consider valuable--
[explosion]
Christ! How am I not deep enough yet?!
Anyway, they probably
consider slime mold valuable.
I'VE GOT YOU PINNED DOWN!
YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE WITH OUR MUSHROOMS, AND
OTHER CRAP THAT GROWS IN CELLARS, ALIVE!
Yeah, this is just a storage lockup.
Okay, time for round two.
I wonder if he actually is just
guarding mushrooms.
[teleportation sound]
What?
JESUS CHRIST!
IT TELEPORTED RIGHT NEXT TO ME!
THAT'S TOO CLOSE! THEY'RE GOING
TO TELEPORT INSIDE ME!
DO I HAVE TO KILL EVERYONE
AROUND HERE MYSELF?!
I can't delegate anything.
You know, being a one-man army isn't
actually something you aspire to.
You say that because it sounds bad ass,
not because you LITERALLY want
to function as an entire army!
But, what are my options?! Do
everything myself or just die!
My opinion of humanity is so low right now.
Or maybe not humanity but... everything.
Okay, let's play this game!
Bet somebody's wishing their
shots fired a little faster.
Okay, let's see what's so important
they were putting up all these defenses.
Is that the exit back there?
They've got it blocked off;
that must mean something.
What the hell?! It's just a corner!
Fuck you and your stupid... webbing... shit!
There's not a damned thing here!
Oh, wait, there's one of these air things.
Maybe there's an entrance up in the rafters?
Well, there is an indentation.
Let me check, that might be it!
If I jump on that, all I'm going
to do is brain myself.
That's a lot of fighting I did just
to clear out a worthless dead end.
I thought for sure this was the way
since the aliens clogged it up so much.
This wouldn't be an issue if I had a map.
Shouldn't there be fire exit
maps around here periodically?
I haven't seen anything and I've
been doing a lot of wandering.
So, what's the plan now?
Everything here is a dead end!
Do I really want to try and go back
and dig through that fallen rock?
Not that it will matter because
it's pressed up against a steel door.
"Stop". Oh, thanks, THANKS!
If I'm trapped down here long enough,
I'm going to have to start eating the aliens
and I don't know how I'm going to cook them.